Cheap Valentines
by keisha.G
Summary: Not everyone in the fellowship had a valentine for Valentine's Day... apparently, it's those who didn't that are lucky. Everyone seems to have gone crazy except for Sam, Merry and Pippin. How will they survive from this "valentine" downcast?


Author's Note: A little belated Valentine's Day fic for those who are sad that so much bad things are going on… first of all, no one special to share it with. …second of all, Britney Spears' movie opens. Everything is not going my way, and probably not yours, so join us as the lovable characters of LOTR comfort you… after Valentine's Day. ^^ Enjoy.

Cheap Valentines

It was a comfortable Valentine's Day in The Shire. Frodo was consoling himself at home. Alone. Did you miss the most important fact?  
It was Valentine's Day.

Frodo tossed another log on the fire and watched it burn. The windows were sealed with a special thick fabric that reflected off the fire and gave the room a very musty, sickening, dusty smell. It was seriously getting to Frodo's head. There was a loud rapping at the door, that was very oblivious to Frodo because of his loud…whimpering. 

"I'm all alone…there's no one here… and it's Valentine's Day… I'm all alone-"

SLAM! The door fell, shaking the house, and there was Pippin, Merry and Sam with a large tree trunk, hurled on their shoulders, smiling. Pippin gasped, "Finally. I thought that'd take well into the night."

"Hello Frodo." Sam called, merrily. "Everything okay?"

"It smells like a bad tea shop in here." Merry interrupted, dropping the log off his shoulders. "Sorry about your door, but if you'd opened it sooner you'd still have hinges on it."

"Aren't you three spending Valentine's Day with anyone special?" Frodo sniffed, heaving another log onto the fire. "Anyone else?"

"Well-" Sam began, sitting down beside Frodo. "We think you're special…" Frodo stared uncomfortably at him. "-if that's what you mean."

"That's not what I meant."

"Okay."

"He means a girl, you idiot." Pippin corrected him. "And no, couldn't find anyone. We would've been here sooner, but we've been outside Rosie's window trying to help Sam figure out what rhymes with "Rosie"."

"Posie, you moron, posie!" Merry cried. "_Oh Rosie, oh Rosie, you're such a posie_!"

"What's a posie?" Sam asked. "Don't you mean _posse_?"

"No, posie! …it's a flower. Isn't it, Pippin?" Merry asked.

"Don't include me, I was fine being ignored." Pippin shook his head, fiercely. "So Frodo, did you know thick curtains over the windows when you're burning wood is very…um, hazardous?"

Frodo looked at him, with miserable eyes. He sighed, "You don't say."

"Is your head on right?" Merry asked. "Are you trying to commit civil suicide?"

"…Merry, what the hell is civil suicide?" Sam asked. "Frodo is merely suffering from a loss of a valentine!"

"No, I am not! I'm suffering from no-valentine-on-valentine's-day-itus!" Frodo snapped. "What's the point of even staying awake on Valentine's Day when you have no valentine to spend it with?"

"Every point. You don't have to buy chocolates and then not eat them!" Pippin beamed. "It's the best!"

They all looked at him with a very bitter feeling. Pippin looked back at them, still smiling, "It is…guys…"

Someone knocked on the wood outside the house, seeing as though there was no door. All four of the hobbits directed their attention to it. A short and stubby dwarf poked from the side. "…am I missing something, or is there no door?"

"Hi Gimli." They all muttered, simultaneously and carelessly.

Gimli, the short, fat dwarf, stepped over the door carefully. He was carrying a group of deflated flowers in his hand and a lonesome expression on his face. "Hi guys."

"So you too have no one to spend Valentine's Day with, huh?" Frodo asked before the others.

"Ignore him, Gimli, he's…depressed." Sam interrupted.

"Yeah, how did you know?" Gimli asked, ignoring Sam.

"Limp flowers. She throw them in your face?" Frodo asked.

"Yeah!" Gimli grinned. "How did you know, you expert?"

"Figures."

"…are we missing something special?" Merry asked. "Or is everyone sad today?"

"So Gimli, who's the special girl?" Frodo asked again. "Or who was the special girl? Considering your posture-- she threw the flowers in your face, kicked you in the groin and threw you down off her porch."

"…in that case, I won't tell you who it is." Gimli sighed, eyeing the hobbits, testily. "Where are your valentines?"

Frodo broke into a deep sob, while Merry, Pippin and Sam just sighed.

"He's been like that." Sam muttered. "He thinks the point of Valentine's Day is to have a valentine."

"Hence the name!" Gimli snapped. "Of course, you ruffians! Valentine's Day is so you can be with your valentine! …Frodo, it's okay. I feel your pain."

"Thanks, Gimli."

"…oh please, what is this?" Pippin snapped. "Come on, you guys-"

Suddenly, there was a loud sobbing outside the door again. Out came a flushed Aragorn, with a teddy bear to his face. He walked over the door, delicately, and spotted Gimli and the hobbits. "…Happy Valentine's Day, you guys."

Frodo and Gimli started crying, furiously. Merry grumbled, angrily, "Thanks a lot, Strider! They were actually sane a few seconds ago!"

"What's their problems?" Aragorn asked, pulling up a stool by Sam. 

"What's their problems?" Pippin repeated. "I'll tell you what their problems are! They're obsessed that you have to have a valentine on Valentine's day-"

"Hence the name." Frodo added, still crying.

"Of course ya do," Aragorn sighed. "It's the point of the holiday."

"It's a dumb holiday." Merry snapped. "You could take any day, name it valentine's day and the whole world will believe you. It's stupid to waste all the things you could say to a loved one-- ONCE A YEAR!"

"hence the name." Gimli sniffed. 

"So what happened to you?" Frodo asked Aragorn.

Aragorn mumbled, fervently, "It was this girl, see-"

"It always is!" Gimli cried. "Ever get the feeling they don't appreciate you?"

"Definitely not me." Frodo sighed. "What happened?"

The three of them began talking, apparently about previous break-ups. Merry got up, "I've had it. You guys can blubber all you want. I'm staying outside! Sam, Pippin, care to join me?"

"Sure," They headed outside with a few chairs and a match.

A few minutes later, they were all crowded around a fire outside. Pippin smiled, "This is the life. No valentines to share candy with on Valentine's Day."

"Ptch, yeah!" Sam scoffed. "And singing songs outside of Rosie's window isn't my idea of romantic. Don't know about hers…"

Suddenly, there were twigs snapping in the wood nearby. All three of them snapped their attention to the forest with eager ears. "Who's there?" They called. First they saw the tip of an arrow. Then a large red shape of some sort, and soon a shimmering head of blond hair. "Legolas?"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up." Legolas sighed, carrying a box of chocolates in one hand. 

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked. 

"I thought I'd…drop in, now that I've been rejected-- on Valentine's Day."

"Everyone's getting rejected!" Merry screamed. 

"What do you mean, everyone?" He asked, puzzled. 

"Frodo, Gimli, Aragorn. They're inside. All been dumped." Pippin pointed inside. "We couldn't stand it in there-- but you can crash with us. We know how annoyingly sick it can be talking about love-" No sooner had Pippin said that, than Legolas walked inside and left them in the dark once more. "…fine, forget all about us." He went back to the fire. "What's with people and Valentine's day? So far, all of them have been lovesick and dumped."

"It's enough to make one puke." Sam muttered. "…hey, at least Gandalf isn't stupid to give into that commercial crap!"

"Hello," Gandalf, as if you didn't see this coming, had walked into them from the forest. "Open fire, I see. On Valentine's Day?"

"It sucks. The rest of them-- Aragorn, Legolas, Frodo, Gimli-- all inside talking about Valentine's Day and love and all this mushy crap." Merry sighed. "You can stay out with us. We know you're not that type."

Gandalf remained still.

"You're not, are you?"

They looked at him. From the look on his face, he looked as though he was itching to go have a peek at what they were saying.

"…oh go already!" Pippin snapped, as Gandalf rushed inside. "Leave us out here!" He returned to the fire. "They're pitiful! Talking about how many times they'd broken up with people…"

"It's like they all need help."

No sooner had Sam said that, than a man around Aragorn's age had come walking by with a suitcase in his hand. He smiled at them, "Hi. I'm looking for a Frodo Baggins."

"In there." They pointed to the house.

"Who are you?" Pippin asked, before they could stop him.

"Just an advisor." The man spoke. They could tell he was lying. He went into the house anyway, and didn't come back out.

__

6 minutes later…

It was getting rather cold in the area, and the man still hadn't come back out. They hadn't bother to go in either, and be poisoned with the commercial holiday that was Valentine's Day.

"So what are we gonna do?" Sam asked when the boredom was too much.

"Us? We're real men!" Merry smiled. "We can…camp and roast food!"

"Yeah! …and tell each other manly stories!" Pippin smiled. 

"…we are really desperate, aren't we?" Sam sighed. "Listen, maybe we should just take a peek at what they're doing. Just for the fun of it."

"Are you turning _romantic_ on us as well?" Merry gasped. "Fine leave! Go join your people!"

"Merry, that's not what I meant."

"Go!" Merry snapped. Sam looked at him, and got up slowly. He headed over to the house. "Who needs him anyway…"

"…guys…you would not believe what's happening…" Sam mumbled.

"What?" Pippin asked, getting over to join Sam. He nearly screamed. "Merry! Get over here, you have to see this!"

"I will not join your cult." Merry said, simply. "I won't give in to _valentine's day_."

"Just come on!" Pippin rushed back to drag him to the entrance. What they saw-- scared them. Plain and simple. The man who had come round looking for Frodo was standing at the front of the room before them, reciting something, while the others sat down and repeated.

"I am strong," The man began. "I will survive."

"I am strong. I will survive." The others heeded.

"For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive…"

They repeated everything he said.

"Wave your wings away to ex-girlfriends who couldn't be with you on Valentine's Day. Blow them away." The man did bird motions with his hands.

The others repeated him, waving their hands away, each of them saying "Goodbye," then saying the name of the person.

Merry, Pippin and Sam pried themselves away from watching it. They didn't say anything and, magically, didn't laugh. They stared at each other with quite serious faces, but didn't speak.

"I think it's clear to say…" Sam began. "We are the lucky ones."

"Yes it is." Pippin nodded. "Yes it is."

"…you guys still wanna watch, don't you? Stop hiding it!" Merry smiled. 

The three of them headed back to the entrance and watched. Apparently until Frodo and the rest of them found out. Sam made a pact not to tease them about it too much. Too, too much.

*****

…this was typed under an hour. If it seems less descriptive or describing, sorry… ^^ I was half-watching TV. ^^ Review if you like!


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